So after they made jokes about murdering me if I were to tell them I
were Gay, I came out to my whole Conservative extended family over the
past week as MtF.
I knew they would throw a fit, but they've passed Fundamentalist-tier and gone full cray.
They're
those Pseudo-Christian types you find in America who constantly
demonize everything outside of the "Traditional" far-right wing beliefs,
have no idea what the Bible actually says, and just follow
"Christianity" and ''God" based on assumed and loosely inferred cultural
expectations.
They're largely ignorant of LGBT things, and
especially Trans things. They mixed up Transvestite, Transsexual, and
Transgender and used the word "self-mutilation" a lot. But I GUESS you
could say they got the gist of what I was saying.
They flipped
the fuck out, a couple burst in to tears and left the room saying that
they just "didn't want to lose me". My Older brother said he would have
to disown me because all LGBT behavior represents the decline of
civilizations and that I was being manipulated by Liberal propaganda.
While he just goes through his day to day trucking job, before coming
home, playing CoD, and collecting guns, not living by example or even
interacting with anyone outside of this family. Jokes were made about me
making an ugly girl. One Aunt who is like a second mother to me (A
supporter of Gay rights, something she has taught to her daughter) said
she would have to cut me off from my 10 year old Cousin/Sister to
"protect her".
And my irrational Mom is thoroughly convinced that I'm
entering into a seedy underworld of sexual fetishism and debauchery,
and is emotionally puking all manner of circular logic and broad strokes
at me to try and convince me not to do it.
Every single one of them has said it doesn't fit me at all, that it isn't 'me' and that didn't see it coming at all.
All
of them keep telling me that this can't be right, can't be me, and that
I need to "put the brakes on". I tell them that the longer I wait is
the harder it will be for me to pass, they ignore it. They brush it off
when I tell them that I've felt this way my entire life, and since
finally accepting it about myself 2 years ago I have spent every single
day thinking about it, meditating on it, laying awake at night over it.
Going to local group meetings, reading literature, seeing the stories of
other Transitioners on YouTube, considering what I would lose and what
challenges I would face. Every. Single. Day. Often for hours. And now
I've finally gone through seeing a Therapist and Endo and have been on
AAs for a week.
It's funny.
For the whole past two years
since accepting my feelings, I've had doubts. Wondering if I would pass
well enough for it to be worth it, wondering if it would be worth life
becoming more challenging like it looks like it's about to. Wondering if I really
felt the way I thought I did.
But now that this has happened, I
am more sure than ever that this is what I have to do. What's right for
me. I have an extremely powerful burning conviction now that I didn't
before.
I had no idea, but ya know what? It doesn't matter to me one way or the other. I read this and I got really, REALLY angry with your family. REALLY angry. I've seen a lot of shitty kids and their families think everything is just hunky-dory as long as the kid is straight. They could be fucking (excuse the lang-lang) anything with a hole, strung out on synthetics, treating women like shit and they'd keep loving little Johnny no matter what! But if Johnny's gay or in transition? Well, that's just unacceptable. My reaction?? WHAT THE HELL? You love your kids regardless of anything.
ReplyDeleteI've said on more than one occasion that I would have adopted you in a heartbeat. You are thoughtful, caring, loving, kind, gentle and all the things I hold near and dear to my heart. You've always been my favorite. I'm so sorry your family doesn't see that you--YOU--are the embodiment of all the things good Christians should strive for. It's not professing faith with the mouth, but living faith with your heart and you have that in spades.
Right?!
ReplyDeleteHypocrisy and double standards were the order of that day of for certain. Circular logic is an understatement.
I feel like I would be justified in being mad at them too, but I know that they're just... 'stuck'. On all accounts. For as long as I've been around their ignorance has certainly caused them more self-inflicted suffering than it has or will me. Regardless of how aware of it they are.
"Forgive them Father, they know not what they do."
Besides, the joke's on them if wanna disown me. I'm going places! ;)
I always knew I was one of your favorites, but I had no idea I was that special to you... Thank you so much Heather. I really don't know how to say how much what you've said means to me.
I always loved going to your class, and stopping by to visit, because of how much I felt that... you were one of the Teachers that really cared. That wanted to make a difference. You cared about your students, you cared about LEARNING before education, and even if it was in small ways at the time with the limits it had to have to stay professional you were certainly a figure of support.
Even if I'm one of the only ones that's told you this I promise you I'm not the only one that feels this way. From the smiles I'd see on other students' faces, from how at ease they were when we were in class together, from how they talked about it when we were around... and that was just what 'I' saw. Let alone the scores of other classes you've had with whole new groups of students.
So if you ever question if you've been a good Teacher, if you're a good Mom, a good Person, if you ever feel alone...
Please remember that even though there are bumps in the road and disagreements, you have touched lives.
In the deceptively small way that turns the Earth, that is so distinctly Human...
You have made a difference. There are far more people than you know who think of you and smile, and who remember you fondly.