Blargh.

The more depth and complexity I try to give my blog drafts, the less I am happy with them, borderline disgusted honestly, so I'll try just keeping it simple for a bit.

There was a brief time recently where I thought I would be kicked out of my Mom's house for what I wanted to do with my life. And I would be living out of my Jeep...  and honestly I was really really excited for it.

It seemed fun, and adventurous, and like a real reason to hustle with all of my little entrepreneurial projects instead of just pushing them back because I "didn't really feel like it".

I had it all planned and budgeted out and was certain I could take care of myself. Get a sleeping bag and put it in the back, park over night at places like Wal-Mart, live off of Ezekiel Bread and Vitamins. Exercise, shower, and shave at the Gym. Spend my free time reading and writing, or out in a park mediating, or at the library researching and eBusinessing. Bust out the dusty Rocksmith Guitar and actually teach myself a few chords, acoustic, to maybe actually be able to play some music one day. Pay my Car Insurance, pay my Phone Bill (which I would have cancelled for Pre-Paid if not under contract), pay my Gym Membership, pay my Doctor's Bills.

I KNEW I could do it. I had that little voice in the back of my head, that always pushed me forward, that always guided me in the right direction, that always lead me to powerful growth, that was always right, tell me over and over that I could.

But my hours got cut at work to 2 days a week, because of a request I had made months ago. I had 3/5 of my paycheck left, my next biweekly paycheck would be for a 1 week of 5 days and one of 2, and in that time I would be able to keep up and find a new job, hopefully as a Waiter. They make great money given the hours, with the right time and place.

I came home about a week ago and found bills in the mail for me from my Health Insurance Provider, saying that I MAY be responsible for about $300 additional dollars of Lab Work. And that little voice still said "You CAN do it! You can!!!"
I checked later and found that I didn't owe that additional $300, that Anthem was mistaken, and that the Lab Work was covered in the initial Office Visit charges.

But I gave up. I talked to my Mom, threw away my HRT Medication in front of her, and told her I was going to wait like they all had asked me to.

And I really just hated myself for it. I hated myself for it. It's given way to compassion and understanding and hope since... New plans, more secure plans, steadier plans...

But I could have done it. It would have been hard and would have asked for a whole lot from me... but would that have been so bad? To have the chance to discover such a powerful inner strength, such a beautiful chance for rapid personal growth, when it was practically being handed to me?

I have mellowed a bit, but I still feel as though I have missed a wonderful, amazing opportunity.